Commercialized Valentine’s Day

Commercialized Valentine’s Day

I told my husband of 14 years to not worry about to getting anything for me this Valentine’s Day.  No, I’m not the best wife ever or being a martyr.   I just was thinking of how manufactured and commercialized Valentine’s Day has become.   Americans and those looking to make a profit after Christmas have turned this holiday into something that often produces a lot of pressure. If you’re in a relationship then you feel pressured with “what should I buy him/her?”   And if you’re not then you might be bummed on Valentine’s Day with seeing all the social media posts about “look what I got from my ____, he/she is so wonderful!”  Then I had a second thought. For those men that are not naturally romantic this holiday pushes them to think and do things outside of their comfort zone.

Have you ever heard that men’s minds are like waffles and women’s minds are like spaghetti?   This means that in a woman’s brain everything connects.   We can start out talking about work and end up talking about how we think we need another pair of shoes.   Women totally just got how that would connect!   Men section things off in their minds.   When they talk about work, they focus on that, they don’t move to another topic without a noticeable verbal transition to signify why the second subject is coming up.   When they do things they are in that “box” and don’t easily get out of that box without first a little mental effort and deciding to do so. For instance, when a man is watching a football game, he’s in his “sports box.” If the wife walks in and asks him a question he either doesn’t hear her because she is not in the sports box with him or if he hears her then he must make a mental effort to switch boxes. Sometimes depending on the question he must occupy two boxes: the relationship box (so he doesn’t respond in a negative way because she just interrupted his sports box) and perhaps the parent box because she asked him a question about the kids.   Women, by the way, men really do have a nothing box then can mentally go to! I know —-MIND BLOWN!—– they really are thinking of nothing when you ask them “what cha thinking?” and they respond with “nuthin.”

So even though Valentine’s Day is a overly commercialized holiday. And YES you should tell someone you love him or her more than one time per year. It is a good reminder for men to get into their “loving/romantic box” because for some men that box is not used very often and sometimes forgotten about for weeks at a time.

So I hope you had a good Valentine’s Day and if you didn’t then I hope this helps you realize that men and women’s brains work differently. So you can now decide to be happy that you’re single and you don’t have to deal with this box and spaghetti thing. Or if you’re in a relationship you can decided to give some grace to your loved one because some boxes are hard to access and some plates of spaghetti are covered with too much sauce (i.e. stress)

To give credit: I did not come with the concept of boxes and spaghetti. I borrowed it from Jimmy and Karen Evans. I can’t recall the name of the video but here’s a link to their YouTube page where there’s a ton of great videos on marriage.

 

YOU Have To Love Yourself

YouGottaLoveYourselfThe fact that someone else loves you doesn’t rescue you from the project of loving yourself. – Sahaj Kohli

Such a powerful reminder that no matter who you invite into your life, no matter how much their love soothes the pains of the past, you still have to make it a priority to love yourself.

Take time out today and everyday moving forward to love yourself…

  1. Forgive yourself.
  2. Be patient with yourself.
  3. Do what honors yourself.
  4. Accept yourself and your quirks.
  5. Educate yourself.
  6. Ensure you are engaging in activities that respect yourself.
  7. And have fun doing things all by yourself!

 

Let’s challenge ourselves to not get too caught up in the romance of love and then stop pouring into ourselves.

R is for Romance

R is for Romance

Pastor Jimmy Evans says on his website that romance is about focus. He goes further to explain that the reason you were naturally romantic when you were dating is that you were focusing so intently on the object of your affection and trying to gain his or her love and loyalty. According to this everyone is romantic while dating. That makes sense since we really study each other in those early dating weeks or months. Jimmy Evans says that focusing on one another means, “you are on my heart and I am not distracted by other things.”

No romance or a lack of romance suggests an issue and it is your warning sign. Romance should not be saved just for the special day we call Valentine’s Day, but instead it should be everyday of your relationship. When there is no more romance in your relationship you have lost the focus off of each other and onto something else.  This can be a dangerous stage in your marriage. Bring romance back into your marriage by meeting your spouse’s love language. I strongly encourage making a commitment this Valentines Day to each other to have a date night every week. It is so important to carve out time for just the two of you. We are also here to help. Give us a call!

Dating after Divorce

 

Dating after Divorce

Dating after Divorce

Divorce can be a scary and complicated process to go through. Once your divorce is final, when is it the right time to begin dating? I am a divorce mother of a special needs child and here are three things I did after my divorce to help me to begin dating.

1. Seek Counseling.

Going through a divorce can be an emotional roller coaster. It is important for you to talk with someone to help you with deal with your feelings|. You want to be able to deal with any anger or hostility toward your ex-spouse before you will be able to move on with your life. The last thing you want to do is to bring old baggage to a new relationship. Counseling gave me insight on how I wanted to move forward with my life as a single parent.

2. Get to know myself again.

Being a wife and mother for so many years, I forgot the person I was. I forgot the little things I like to do and all the things I liked about myself, so I begin to take myself out on dates. I went out to the movies and dinner. I had to learn how to be happy by myself. I also kept a daily journal. Although I do not write in it everyday, it helps me with writing down my thoughts and feeling on what is going on in my life. I love looking back on it to see how far I have come.

3. Begin to date again.

Scary!! Dating has change since I was single. Most of my friends are married so I had to find ways to meet new people. It was important for me to get myself back out into he world, so I could begin to find that special person. Singles group at church or online dating is a great way to get your feet wet.

Have fun dating. You should take the first few dates getting to know the person. Don’t go into it trying to make a love connection, just relax and enjoy yourself.

Have a NEW WIFE by Friday!

Have a new wife by Friday

Does your wife nag? Is she controlling? Can she be a drama queen? Is she constantly complaining? Does she forget to complement you, and is she always looking for excuses not to have sex? Husbands here are tools for you to have a new better improved wife: Are you ready to take on the challenge it takes for that to happen?

Your wife’s greatest need is security. She needs to know that she is safe and provided for. It is very important for her to know that you will sacrifice a hobby, an interest, or even friends to make sure her needs are met. By being secure she will let go of being overly controlling.

You have to show empathy. Your wife nags because you are not sensitive to her needs. If you are not sensitive to her needs she will not feel romantic, and that is when you get the excuses. A woman wants her feelings to be understood and validated. You can do this by listening to her without offering solutions or unsolicited advice. Attempt to understand her point of view. Do not go into the fix-it mode. Show her affection so she can feel loved and needed. Turning your wife on starts way before the lights go off.

In addition to empathy please show your wife non-sexual affection. Communicate to your wife that she is more then a sex object for you by holding her from time to time. She needs this. No excuse about how you are just not affectionate and she needs to love you the way you are. You need to change if you want to see a changed wife.

Reckless spending has no place in marriage. I think it is important to discuss all important financial purchases with your spouse. There has to be shared leadership.

Let your wife know that you appreciate her, her work and her mothering. This will make her feel secure. Praise her in public, be her biggest fan. Never criticize her in front of others.

Being faithful to her will build protective walls in your relationship. Do not spend your physical and emotional energy on other women (especially women you consider “just friends”), but guard your marriage by not allowing other people to enter in to your relationship. This will let your wife know that she can be completely vulnerable to you with her heart.

Be a man that comes through on his word. Do the things you tell her you will do, and also show up when you tell her you will show up. Be dependable.

When a husband makes his wife feel secure by offering affection and communication he meets some of her biggest needs. This goes a long way toward loving your wife the way Jesus loves the Church. Ephesians 5:25 says that husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. This takes work, but God’s standard is for husbands to give your life to your wife. When you love your wife more than you love yourself God will bless you. When you love her more then yourself, and you sacrifice and strive to meet her needs you will see a huge improvement in your wife. I read somewhere that WHEN YOU MAKE YOUR WIFE FEEL SECURE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP SHE WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS FOR YOU.

You have tools to have a new wife. Are you ready to take on the challenge it takes for that to happen?

30-Day Sex Challenge!!!

Surfing the web this week….I came up with this interesting topic, having sex with your spouse for a month. As a woman, naturally I was intrigued because I have never had sex with my spouse for 30 consecutive days in a row. Giving it further thought, I began to wonder how many married women have. As I read these articles I began to subconsciously come up with reasons why I could never complete such a task but the more I read to more I realized it’s not just about SEX!!! Every article defined this challenge as strengthening the emotional connection between couples and should not be viewed as a task. Although the challenge assignments (so to speak) changed from site to site, the end result remained the same. Over the next few weeks I will be sharing the challenges I found most interesting:

From a religious point of view my first thought in regards to sex is procreation purposes….”Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). However this is not the sole purpose. Spouse’s are to submit to one another to aid in strengthening a physical and emotional bond…”The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).

The first article was published on the CBS website back in 2008.

Pastor Issues “30- Day Sex Challenge”

The pastor of a southwest Florida church opened many eyes and ears Sunday when he said he wants married couples in the congregation to — have sex for 30 days in a row. Oh — and he wants singles to steer clear of such frolicking for the same length of time. Head pastor Paul Wirth of Relevant Church in Ybor City, outside Tampa, says his “30-Day Sex Challenge” is one way of taking on the nation’s 50-percent divorce rate. “About ten years ago,” With explained on The Early Show Wednesday, “my wife (of 18 years) and I were struggling in our marriage, and we realized that we needed something that was going to help us in our marriage, and we found this information from Dr. Willard Harley about learning each others’ emotional needs. And we began to study it and apply it to our marriage, and it revolutionized our marriage, and we know that, you know, God is the one who talks about love and authors love, and he knows that he wants us to be intimate and connected with each other on a daily basis.” Wirth told CBS News he believes most people go into marriage “without really knowing each other emotionally, without knowing their partner’s emotional needs, and this (the challenge) is a way for people to discover their greatest needs — both married and non-married couples.” He cited a recent study out that found that 20 million Americans who are married have sex fewer than 10 times a year. “People’s jobs, houses, kids and other things get in the way,” he says. “I think men really need to reevaluate their wife’s needs. We so often come home and kick off our shoes and pick up the remote and don’t offer to help with dinner, don’t offer to help with the kids — and then we just expect fireworks in the bedroom. But we need to meet (our wives’ needs) on intimate levels.” The reaction has been “overwhelmingly positive,” Wirth says. “Both married and single members are excited about it. My wife has fielded a bunch of e-mails saying that it’s opened a line of communication in some marriages that they haven’t had since they were married.” Among the couples taking part: congregants Doug and Lorena Webber. “We’re sitting in church one day, and we heard about this challenge,” Doug told Early Show co-anchor Harry Smith, “and we said, ‘That’s perfect. We can do anything for 30 days!’ And the more you dig into it, we’re, like, ‘We can certainly do this for 30 days! ‘ ” Lorena says, “We’re just trying to figure out a way to meet each others’ emotional needs, and that’s the biggest thing about this. It’s more than physical. It’s about getting to know each other again.” “It’s much more than the physical aspect,” Doug agreed, “so, it’s really helping us refocus on our marriage.”

Who’s up for the challenge?