Stop Saying and Asking Your Single Friends….

Stop Saying or Asking Your Single Friends...

 

I have compiled a SHORT list of questions and statements that you should stop saying and asking your single friends.  I know you mean well, and you are only trying to be supportive but sometimes your words and questions make being single seem like a disease.

Why Are You Still Single?

Ok, so you really mean (I hope!) “you’re such a great person!  I can’t think of a reason why you are still single,” but trust me it’s not a compliment.  They don’t know why they are still single (unless of course it’s a personal choice), just like you probably can’t really pinpoint why you are in a relationship.  It almost implies that there is something wrong with them because they aren’t in a relationship.  Imagine if they are already struggling and wondering themselves why they are still single, awkward…

How’s your love life?  Are you seeing anyone?

You’ve already asked about school, work, kids, friends, and family and the inevitable topic of love life comes up.  Maybe they have a love life, maybe they don’t.  I imagine that if there was somebody special worth mentioning, they probably would have already shared — Now they have the opportunity to respond and be reminded of “what love life?”

You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

Because everyone who is in a relationship loves themselves?  We can all agree this statement is very, very true but just because I am single doesn’t mean I don’t love myself.

When you are married, you’ll wish you were single.

This may very well be true.  We realize  you are only trying to remind us of the joys of singlehood, but don’t try to make it seem like there aren’t any joys of companionship.  Last I checked, wanting to get married makes us human.  After all, God gave us a desire to connect with others.

I dated _____ and it didn’t work out but I could introduce you.

If you two didn’t click, then great.  But if he/she is really not worth dating, please don’t set me up with a sympathy date.  I may be single but this is not synonymous with desperate.

Are you worried you won’t be able to have kids?

Does being in a relationship mean you won’t have to worry about being able to have kids?  If a woman is suffering from infertility, she really doesn’t want to be asked “when are you going to start having kids?” or “why aren’t you having kids?”  Just rude and insensitive.  Enough said.

Being in a relationship or married, doesn’t give you the right to be insensitive.  These statements can trigger loneliness, shame, blame and guilt.  Be available and attentive when they are open to talking about the joys and pains of being single.  Be mindful of your words and questions, and always encourage and pray for your single brother and sisters. End of rant….

Relationship Rules: for both friendships and romance

friends

A couple of recent posts from Psychology Today’s Facebook feed inspired this advice. (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201006/7-signs-youre-in-toxic-friendship and http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/feeling-it/201311/the-best-kept-secret-highly-successful-couples)

Whether your relationships is platonic or romantic, keep these rules in mind:
1. Be a giver, but don’t get taken advantage of. The best relationships consist of two givers. But if you find yourself in a relationship with a taker or a matcher (someone who is always keeping a ledger), stop giving before they wear you out. Look for relationships with other givers.
2. Support your friends’ success and expect them to support yours. If someone leaves you feeling bad or worthless, don’t be in a relationship with them.
3. Use social media that makes you feel good, not bad. That may sound obvious, but many people leave facebook comparing their real selves to others’ public selves. Delete or hide friends that make you feel small or that focus on negative things. Make your facebook a happy place.
4. Be trustworthy. Expect trust from your closest confidantes.
5. Be a friend who inspires the best in others. Hang around friends who bring out the best in you. If you are trying to quit smoking, it may not be helpful to have lunch with your smoking friends.
6. Support your friends’ family. Expect them to support yours. It’s not enough for your husband to say “I love you but your family drives me nuts.” He needs to show respect to your family as well.
7. Start a positive trend. You have the power to make someone else smile. Do it. They might just pass the smile along.