Do Not Go to Bed Angry

Do not go to bed angry

Conflicts are a healthy part of marriage if handled correctly. We should not bottle up our anger, but openly discuss the problems in our marriages. In marriage we have to give each other the right to complain. Do not go to bed in anger because this is when the enemy will come in and bring destruction in your marriage.  Please watch the following 5 minute video about daily anger by Pastor Jimmy Evans from Marriage Today.

 

Am I the Right Spouse?

Am I the Right Spouse

It is so easy to point out the faults of our spouse. We can easily come up with a list of things that bother us about them: He does not help with chores, is inconsiderate, doesn’t listen, leaves dirty dishes everywhere, watches too much tv, and the list goes on. Same for vice versa: she doesn’t cook or clean, she always has an excuse why she doesn’t want to have sex, she let herself go, she doesn’t respect me, and so on. Can you relate to any of these complaints?

I want to challenge you to instead of focusing on your spouse’s shortcomings, ask yourself: “Am I who they need me to be?” Start by being the right spouse and see what happens. When we are so busy pointing the finger at our spouse we cannot step back and see our own shortcomings. If you were married to you what would that look like? What would your complain list look like? Try changing you first, and I think you will be surprised at the change you will see in your spouse as a result of you shifting the focus off of them and onto you.

Hope After Affair

Hope After Affair

An affair is the most painful betrayal a spouse can experience in marriage. Individuals are getting tempted more then ever with technology like Facebook and texting. Most start off innocently and get tangled up with an emotional affair not realizing they are doing anything wrong. If you are experiencing a deep wound as a result of infidelity I want to share with you that there is hope. Your relationship can recover and heal, and you can have a marriage that exceeds anything you could have imagined. I have seen it and have been a part of this transformation with many couples.

If an affair has entered into your marriage it is vital to get professional help immediately. Contact with the lover must end immediately. There cannot be any contact with that individual. Once these two steps are made, then healing can start by looking at underlying issues that led to this. Intimacy between the two spouses can be rebuilt by rebuilding safety and trust. This can be accomplished by meeting each others needs and filling each others love tanks. Trust can be rebuilt with consistency and time. Forgiveness is a vital step as well. If you are caught up in infidelity take the fist step and seek professional help. We are here to help guide you in the healing and rebuilding process. Please give us a call.

What is Your Love Language?

What is your love language

Words of Affirmation

I can’t tell you how many men and women have sat in my office and said to me, “I work my tail off every day, yet my spouse acts like I haven’t done a thing. I never get a single word of appreciation.”

If your spouse’s primary love language is words of affirmation, your spoken praise and appreciation will fall like rain on parched soil. Before long, you will see new life sprouting in your marriage as your spouse responds to your words of love.

Acts of Service

Do you remember the old saying, “Actions speak louder than words”? For some people, that is particularly true of love. If acts of service is your spouse’s primary love language, nothing will speak more deeply to him or her emotionally than simple acts of service.

Maxine, who had been married for 15 years, came to my office one day because she was frustrated with her marriage. Listen to what she said: “I don’t understand David. Every day he tells me that he loves me, but he never does anything to help me. He just sits on the couch watching TV while I wash the dishes, and the thought never crosses his mind to help me. I’m sick of hearing ‘I love you.’ If he loved me, he would do something to help me.”

Maxine’s primary love language is acts of service (not words of affirmation), and even though her husband, David, loved her, he had never learned to express his love in a way that made her feel loved. However, after David and I talked and he read The Five Love Languages, he got the picture and started speaking Maxine’s love language. In less than a month, her love tank was beginning to fill up, and their marriage moved from winter to spring.

The next time I talked to Maxine, she said, “It’s wonderful. I wish we had come for counseling 10 years ago. I never knew about the love languages. I just knew I didn’t feel loved.”

Receiving Gifts

In every society throughout human history, gift giving has been perceived as an expression of love. Giving gifts is universal, because there is something inside the human psyche that says if you love someone, you will give to him or her.

What many people do not understand is that for some people, receiving gifts is their primary love language. It’s the thing that makes them feel loved most deeply. If you’re married to someone whose primary love language is gift giving, you will make your spouse feel loved and treasured by giving gifts on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and “no occasion” days.

The gifts need not be expensive or elaborate; it’s the thought that counts. Even something as simple as a homemade card or a few cheerful flowers will communicate your love to your spouse. Little things mean a lot to a person whose primary love language is receiving gifts.

Quality Time

If your spouse’s love language is quality time, giving him or her your undivided attention is one of the best ways you can show your love. Some men pride themselves on being able to watch television, read a magazine, and listen to their wives, all at the same time. That is an admirable trait, but it is not speaking the love language of quality time.

Instead, you must turn off the TV, lay the magazine down, look into your mate’s eyes, and listen and interact. To your spouse, 20 minutes of your undivided attention – listening and conversing – is like a 20-minute refill of his or her love tank.

Men, if you really want to impress your wife, the next time she walks into the room while you are watching a sporting event, put the television on mute and don’t take your eyes off her as long as she’s in the room. If she engages you in conversation, turn the TV off and give her your undivided attention. You will score a thousand points and her love tank will be overflowing.

Physical Touch

We have long known the emotional power of physical touch. That’s why we pick up babies and touch them tenderly. Long before an infant understands the meaning of the word love, he or she feels loved by physical touch.

In marriage, the love language of physical touch includes everything from putting a hand on your mate’s shoulder as you walk by, touching his or her leg as you’re driving together, and holding hands while you’re walking to kissing, embracing and sexual intercourse.

If physical touch is your spouse’s primary love language, nothing communicates love more clearly than for you to take the initiative to reach out and touch your mate.

Retrieved from Focus on the Family

Inviting God

Inviting God

If you do not pray as a couple I encourage you to start. Here are some ways to do that:

Start by praying silently together. Sit down together and hold hands. Discuss your mutual concerns and start to pray silently. As you get more comfortable with silent prayer you can finish your silent prayer aloud by taking turns expressing thanksgiving and praise. You can also take this time to thank God for being present with you and hearing your prayer. Another way to pray is out loud together. Prayer does not have to take hours, but can be as simple as a few minutes a day that you set aside to invite the Lord into your marriage. You can pray for God to bless your marriage and also to protect it. Thank God for the things he is blessing you with. The goal is to pray together consistently.

THE OXYGEN YOU NEED!

The oxygen you need

When you are not communicating in your marriage you are giving the devil uncontested time to talk to each of you separately, sowing seeds of suspicion, doubt and lies. The silent treatment is the loudest invitation of trouble in your marriage. Regardless of how bad things get between you and your spouse, keep talking. Here is a daily communication activity you can start:

Appreciations: Share five things you appreciate about each other. These can range from the simple “I like your smile” to the sublime “I like it that you were able to kiss and make up after I forgot to pick you up last night.” It can be a nice surprise to realize just how much our partners notice and appreciate.

Wishes, Hopes, and Dreams: Describe three things you hope for in the long run (“I hope to complete a marathon by the time I’m 40”) and in the short run (“This week-end I’d like to spend a half-hour alone with my dad when he visits.”) A partner who understands your dreams is able to help them happen.

New Information: We often forget to update our partner about a change in plans or circumstances. We tell people at work or a family member and think we’ve told our spouse. Make the daily updates a ritual. Information like “The dentist said Bobby won’t need braces after all” is crucial to staying in-synch and feeling connected.

Puzzles: Clear-up big or little mysteries before they become suspicions, jealousy, false assumptions, or resentments. Most “puzzles” have simple explanations. “You promised you’d water the tomatoes before you left this morning. What happened?” You have to ask.

Complaints with Request for Change: Get in the habit of saying what you want rather than what you don’t want. Describe a specific behavior that bothers you and explain how you’d like it done. Instead of “I get furious when you call and don’t leave a message,” say, “Honey, when you call and get the machine, please don’t say ‘It’s me’ and hang up. Say why you’re calling, and when you’ll call back, or be home, or whatever it was you were calling to tell me.”

If you are finding that this is not working please give us a call. We have very flexible availability as well as price ranges to meet your needs.

Retrieved from Smartmarriages.com