Stop Saying and Asking Your Single Friends….

Stop Saying or Asking Your Single Friends...

 

I have compiled a SHORT list of questions and statements that you should stop saying and asking your single friends.  I know you mean well, and you are only trying to be supportive but sometimes your words and questions make being single seem like a disease.

Why Are You Still Single?

Ok, so you really mean (I hope!) “you’re such a great person!  I can’t think of a reason why you are still single,” but trust me it’s not a compliment.  They don’t know why they are still single (unless of course it’s a personal choice), just like you probably can’t really pinpoint why you are in a relationship.  It almost implies that there is something wrong with them because they aren’t in a relationship.  Imagine if they are already struggling and wondering themselves why they are still single, awkward…

How’s your love life?  Are you seeing anyone?

You’ve already asked about school, work, kids, friends, and family and the inevitable topic of love life comes up.  Maybe they have a love life, maybe they don’t.  I imagine that if there was somebody special worth mentioning, they probably would have already shared — Now they have the opportunity to respond and be reminded of “what love life?”

You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

Because everyone who is in a relationship loves themselves?  We can all agree this statement is very, very true but just because I am single doesn’t mean I don’t love myself.

When you are married, you’ll wish you were single.

This may very well be true.  We realize  you are only trying to remind us of the joys of singlehood, but don’t try to make it seem like there aren’t any joys of companionship.  Last I checked, wanting to get married makes us human.  After all, God gave us a desire to connect with others.

I dated _____ and it didn’t work out but I could introduce you.

If you two didn’t click, then great.  But if he/she is really not worth dating, please don’t set me up with a sympathy date.  I may be single but this is not synonymous with desperate.

Are you worried you won’t be able to have kids?

Does being in a relationship mean you won’t have to worry about being able to have kids?  If a woman is suffering from infertility, she really doesn’t want to be asked “when are you going to start having kids?” or “why aren’t you having kids?”  Just rude and insensitive.  Enough said.

Being in a relationship or married, doesn’t give you the right to be insensitive.  These statements can trigger loneliness, shame, blame and guilt.  Be available and attentive when they are open to talking about the joys and pains of being single.  Be mindful of your words and questions, and always encourage and pray for your single brother and sisters. End of rant….

Date Nights

Valentine's Day Blues

Date nights are important at any phase of any relationship. Friends cannot maintain a relationship unless they hang out. Couples dating would not be successful if they did not maintain date nights in order to get to know each other and spend quality time with each other. The same is true for marriage. Many marriages fail because the romance is lost. We tend to sometimes get comfortable in relationships and forget what we did to get there. Humans are ever evolving and in order to stay a breast with each other there has to be a connection. Date nights can definitely help with that. You are probably wondering how many date nights could you actually have? Wouldn’t you eventually run out of things to do? It is important to understand that date nights should be catered to you specific relationship. Dates do not always have to be at the movies or dinner. Have a date night folding clothes…. Have a date night playing board games…Have a date night cooking…. Couples could even have a date night napping. Date nights should suite the couple. Date nights are designed to bring people/couple closer together. When relationships get comfortable people usually stop trying. The routine becomes the norm and the spark is lost. It is important to keep that spark going and date night is always a start.

Breaking Up

Breaking Up

 

Nobody wants to initiate the emotional and awkward conversation of breaking up with your partner. You realize you no longer want to be with your partner, but you also realize that you don’t want the honor of breaking up with them either.  You run through several ways to tell them, without hurting them  – “It’s not you, it’s me” or “Let’s just be friends.”

I recently read an article about the lack of accountability that adult couples are displaying when breaking up with one another.  The article discussed the spectrum of passively breaking up to actively breaking up.

  1. Ghosting – abruptly ending all communication: no initiating or responding to text or phone calls. The person will ghost their partner because they cannot face the pain that breaking up will cause. However, the recipient of this will actually experience more emotional chaos, doubt, and resentment in response to the ghosting behavior.
  2. Icing – counterfeit reason for putting the relationship “on ice” — “It’s not you, It’s me” or “I’m so busy but when my schedule clears up, I can’t wait to hang out.” This mate no longer wants to be in a committed relationship but also wants to keep the door cracked in the event they change their mind in the future. The recipient often feels resentment.
  3. Simmering – decreasing communication and face-to-face contact: They enjoy the companionship and security of the relationship, but something isn’t quite working for them. The recipient will have a sense that something is not right, but there is not enough reason to confront their partner.
  4. Power Parting – breaking up definitively; no statements such as “let’s be friends” or “if I were in a different place in my life….” that will perpetuate wishful thinking. This partner will give their recipient clarity and closure with no ambiguous statements or hopes for reuniting in the future.

Do you know of other ways which people break up with someone in a way that is less than accountable?

The honest truth is that breaking up is going to be a painful experience,  but being honest and doing it in person is a must – no text, e-mail, or phone call. That is what emotionally mature adults do.

YOU Have To Love Yourself

YouGottaLoveYourselfThe fact that someone else loves you doesn’t rescue you from the project of loving yourself. – Sahaj Kohli

Such a powerful reminder that no matter who you invite into your life, no matter how much their love soothes the pains of the past, you still have to make it a priority to love yourself.

Take time out today and everyday moving forward to love yourself…

  1. Forgive yourself.
  2. Be patient with yourself.
  3. Do what honors yourself.
  4. Accept yourself and your quirks.
  5. Educate yourself.
  6. Ensure you are engaging in activities that respect yourself.
  7. And have fun doing things all by yourself!

 

Let’s challenge ourselves to not get too caught up in the romance of love and then stop pouring into ourselves.

Stop Trying to Change Your Man

Stop Trying to Change Your Man

I was listening to a video devotional about Decoding the Silent Man’s Language.  At the end of the devotional, the speaker said, “The only time a woman can change a man is when he is wearing diapers”.  This comment tickled me but there is some truth to it!  Of course, I’m not saying that your man or my man or whoever’s man may not need to make some changes, but I do agree we (women) are not going to make him change.  Now there is a difference between a man who needs to tweak some things and a man who you just have no business being with in the first place.  Leave that man alone!  But if you have a good man who may only have some rough edges, I am encouraging myself, my friends, my family, and you to stop complaining and nagging your man to make changes.  Put a pause on discouraging him (taking courage out of your man) and increase your words of encouragement (putting courage in).  So Ladies, let’s stop trying to change our man. Let God, his mentor, prayer, accountability partner, time, and emotional and spiritual growth develop so that the changes he needs to make become clear to him, and he earnestly seeks to make those changes for you and him.

I don’t have (e)x-boyfriends — I have (wh)y-boyfriends.

I don't have (e)x-boyfriends -- I have (wh)y-boyfriends.I am a peculiar individual… with that being said up front, I can not stand the term, ex-boyfriend.  It correlates too much with the word exterminate (as I would with pests) or ex-nihilo (meaning literally nothing).  I would never wish to exterminate my former relationships or disregard what we had.  Instead, I prefer to call them (wh)y-boyfriends.

Why was this individual introduced into my life? 

I do not regret my past relationships, because I know they prepared me to be with who I am today, the love of my life.  I look back to my very first relationship with Jeremy in 8th grade.  Jeremy was the person that was there to join in on my awkwardness to find normalcy.  Not that our relationship was normal, because it wasn’t, but to know that one awkward individual is not alone felt comforting (especially as a teenager).

In 10th grade, I dated James who taught me how to appreciate romantic gestures.  He would pass biblical verses related to love to me in school and demonstrated chivalry acts by opening up doors, waiting patiently on me, etc.  He was the epitome of what a boyfriend should be.  Nonetheless, my road to love did not end here.

Fast forward to college where I dated Tre for 4 years.  Tre taught me about being family oriented.  I always enjoyed traveling to the valley with him and being around his family, where I was called “mi hija”.  I never felt so much warmth and acceptance than I did with his family.  When I eat chorizo and egg breakfast tacos, I mentally transport myself down memory lane with his family.

Why did the relationship end?

To tell you the truth, I was the one that has severed ties from each of the relationships.  Some of it due to moving to another city and some of it due to just growing up and apart.  After the crying, packing away the memories into a shoe box and moving forward, I look back at my past relationships and thank each of them for molding me.  I only listed 3 of my past relationships, but there are a ton more that have inspired me for who I am, in between them.  When these relationships ended, I started a new beginning for myself with the lessons I received from each of them.  I look currently at my husband, David, and realize that all these lessons that I have received from  those in the past have pointed me in the right direction of marrying an individual that displays those traits on a daily basis.  David joins in on my craziness, he knows how to be romantic with me and he is my other half in creating stability for our family.

So, I ask you this: Why give past relationships the “ex” when they deserve praise in molding you for who you are today?  And possibly who you are with currently!