3 September 2014
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types of anger

Marriage Makeover Tip:

As long as you avoid talking about you will not be able to deal with in a way pleasing to God.  If you are upset about something and your spouse asks you about it, and you are, say it.  I know you’re thinking if you do that the argument will never end.  But you could say something like, “Yes I’m still upset which is even more of a reason for us not to go into why right now.  I love you and I’m in our marriage for the long haul, but I need to cool down.”  I’ve seen what can happen after something like this happens in a session, so…If you are the spouse that follows and prods until you get the discussion you want, STOP!  Learn some boundaries and patience, sit down somewhere.  If you are the procrastinator spouse that never wants to get back to discussions, STOP PLAYING AROUND! Be fair and give your spouse a time frame to finish the discussion.  I recommend no more than 24 hours.

To deal with anger the right way and ending secrets and lies is to understand the REAL emotion behind anger.  The four most common types of anger are:

1. Hurt – this can come from mean words and/or actions.

2. Frustration – usually happens because your spouse isn’t meeting our needs or expectations.

3. Fear – of losing your spouse’s love.

4. Injustice – disappointed expectations of fairness or righteous anger thinking you are always right.

If you focus on your spouse’s anger as a warning of trouble and a secondary emotion, you may be able to show more empathy towards your spouse. For example when and issue comes up instead of viewing your spouse as angry, view them as hurt, frustrated, fearful or feeling unjustly treated.  Another way to change your interactions is to use four types of anger words when sharing an issue with your spouse.  For instance, “What you just said hurt my feelings and when you have your own separate money, possessions and plans for the future, I feel like you could leave our marriage at anytime.”

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Megan, a native of Kansas City, Kansas is an empty nest parent of three adult children Ayanna, Jonathan and Isiah. Megan is a Christian and active in ministry at her church Cornerstone Baptist Church, in Arlington, TX. She is currently a Doctoral student working toward a Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy at Texas Wesleyan University. Her personal interests include independent film, music and marriage enrichment. Megan is the co-founder of the Minority Behavioral Health Provider Networking Group along with colleague Cynthia Thompson.

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