Top Five Sex Needs of a Woman

This information comes from Dr. Kevin Lehman, author of Sheet Music and other great books on sex and intimacy in marriage.

Women’s Sex Needs

  1. affirmation
  2. connection
  3. non-sexual touch
  4. spiritual intimacy
  5. romance

Top Five Sex Needs of a Man

This information comes from Dr. Kevin Lehman, author of Sheet Music and other great books on sex and intimacy in marriage.

Men’s Sex Needs

  1. mutual satisfaction
  2. connection
  3. responsiveness of wife
  4. initiation of wife
  5. affirmation

Women’s follow tomorrow, so fellas you aren’t off the hook!

Express Love Without Words

Staying up with all things marriage, I’ve been reading a new book and will be passing on information from it.  The book is called Reclaim Your Relationship by Ron Potter-Efron and Pat Potter-Efron.  More non-verbal ways to say “I Love You” are explored today:

  • Just look at your spouse with a soft, loving gaze.
  • Mouth the words “I Love You” from across the room.
  • Use nonverbal humor: grab your chest and fall over and a loving swoon; draw a heart on the steamy bathroom mirror.
  • Listen to your spouse as if hearing his or her words were the single most important thing you could ever do.
  • Notice the small things that relax, comfort or calm your spouse and offer them when needed.  A hug, a warm blanket, turning the lights on so he or she can read better – over time these caring act will become associated with love.

Nonverbal Ways to Say “I Love You”

Staying up with all things marriage, I’ve been reading a new book and will be passing on information from it.  The book is called Reclaim Your Relationship by Ron Potter-Efron and Pat Potter-Efron.  Nonverbal ways to say “I Love You” are explored today:

William tells his wife, Lana, “I Love You”.  However, he said it in a monotone voice, leans back, looks away and seems bored.   His verbal message is “I Love You”.  But his nonverbal message is “I don’t really mean what I’m saying.”

If you were her, which message would you believe?  If you’re like most people, the answer is nonverbal message.  Study after study has demonstrated that when people are given a choice between believing two contradictory messages delivered simultaneously, one verbally and the other non-verbally, the one they believe is the nonverbal. Nonverbal communication refers to many things, especially:

  • Vocalizations (tone of voice, monotone or varied rhythm, etc.)
  • Touch (soft to firm)
  • Body posture and movement (leaning towards to leaning away, completely still to constantly active)
  • Eye contact (none to steady and direct)

Here’s a simple formula for making sure your “I Love You” message comes loud and clear to your spouse:

  1. say the words clearly and directly
  2. speak in of quiet tone of voice
  3. make direct and “soft” eye contact
  4. lean toward your spouse
  5. sometimes touch your spouse gently

Roadblocks to Saying “I Love You”

Staying up with all things marriage, I’ve been reading a new book and will be passing on information from it.  The book is called Reclaim Your Relationship by Ron Potter-Efron and Pat Potter-Efron.  In this discussion it prompts you to learn why you have trouble saying “I Love You.”

Some people have blocks against saying “I Love You.” It may come from the distant past–your family of origin. Or from the recent past – like a love relationship gone badly, which has made it harder for you to trust.  Other reasons may include current anger at your spouse.

These blocks often have a definite, predictable pattern. They are related to one of the four Adult Attachment Styles.  The four styles are Secure, Dismissive, Preoccupied and Fearful and reflect everything a person has learned about bonding with others.

None of these styles perfectly describe one person. It may vary from day-to-day, but most likely you gravitate more toward one style than the others.  Based on the descriptions below determine your attachment style:

Secure

I feel loved and loving.
My family feels like a safe place to me.
I trust the people who are close to me.
I am usually comfortable when alone.
I’m usually comfortable with others

It feels natural and easy for me to say “I Love You”

Preoccupied

I worry a lot about what others think of me.
I expect to be rejected or abandoned by the people I love.
I give a lot of others but often think that people don’t give back much to me.
I’ve been to want more closeness than people are willing to give me.

Saying “I love You” makes a feel very vulnerable.

Dismissive

I value independence a lot, even in close relationships.
I don’t much want people to depend on me, and I don’t want to depend on others.
I get uncomfortable around people more very emotional or needy.
People should be able to stand on their own two feet.

Saying “I love You” often feels like a chore or an obligation to me.

Fearful

I don’t believe I’m worth loving.
I don’t trust others very much.
I want to be deeply loved but doubt it will ever happen.
Sometimes I feel I can count on anybody, including myself.

I’m just too afraid of rejection to risk saying “I love You.”

Explore the attachment styles and find out where you fit. Take time to reflect on what you learned about yourself. You might even want to see how your attachment style affects your ability to show love to your spouse, and receive it from them. Remember while thinking and writing, that you are not a prisoner of the past. You can change how you relate to your spouse. Awareness is the first step in change.

 

Don’ts When Saying “I Love You” to Your Spouse

Staying up with all things marriage, I’ve been reading a new book and will be passing on information from it.  The book is called Reclaim Your Relationship by Ron Potter-Efron and Pat Potter-Efron.  Yesterday’s post Do’s When Saying “I Love You” to Your Spouse.  The second half of the exercise involves the negative traits of saying “I Love You.”

Don’t:

  1. Ever assume that your spouse doesn’t need to hear the words “I Love You”
  2. Wait until your spouse says it first
  3. Insist that your spouse return the compliment, or keep store of how many times your spouse says “I Love You”
  4. Ever go a day without saying “I Love You”
  5. Wait until just the right or perfect time
  6. Think that saying “I Love You” is only “real” if it is done spontaneously
  7. Expect magic or miracles.  Saying “I Love You” won’t resolve all your conflicts
  8. Automatically connect saying “I Love You” with sex
  9. Stop practicing until you’ve developed a firm habit of saying “I Love You”