When your marriage is struggling build a SAFE support system to avoid making things worse.
Does your wife nag? Is she controlling? Can she be a drama queen? Is she constantly complaining? Does she forget to complement you, and is she always looking for excuses not to have sex? Husbands here are tools for you to have a new better improved wife: Are you ready to take on the challenge it takes for that to happen?
Your wife’s greatest need is security. She needs to know that she is safe and provided for. It is very important for her to know that you will sacrifice a hobby, an interest, or even friends to make sure her needs are met. By being secure she will let go of being overly controlling.
You have to show empathy. Your wife nags because you are not sensitive to her needs. If you are not sensitive to her needs she will not feel romantic, and that is when you get the excuses. A woman wants her feelings to be understood and validated. You can do this by listening to her without offering solutions or unsolicited advice. Attempt to understand her point of view. Do not go into the fix-it mode. Show her affection so she can feel loved and needed. Turning your wife on starts way before the lights go off.
In addition to empathy please show your wife non-sexual affection. Communicate to your wife that she is more then a sex object for you by holding her from time to time. She needs this. No excuse about how you are just not affectionate and she needs to love you the way you are. You need to change if you want to see a changed wife.
Reckless spending has no place in marriage. I think it is important to discuss all important financial purchases with your spouse. There has to be shared leadership.
Let your wife know that you appreciate her, her work and her mothering. This will make her feel secure. Praise her in public, be her biggest fan. Never criticize her in front of others.
Being faithful to her will build protective walls in your relationship. Do not spend your physical and emotional energy on other women (especially women you consider “just friends”), but guard your marriage by not allowing other people to enter in to your relationship. This will let your wife know that she can be completely vulnerable to you with her heart.
Be a man that comes through on his word. Do the things you tell her you will do, and also show up when you tell her you will show up. Be dependable.
When a husband makes his wife feel secure by offering affection and communication he meets some of her biggest needs. This goes a long way toward loving your wife the way Jesus loves the Church. Ephesians 5:25 says that husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. This takes work, but God’s standard is for husbands to give your life to your wife. When you love your wife more than you love yourself God will bless you. When you love her more then yourself, and you sacrifice and strive to meet her needs you will see a huge improvement in your wife. I read somewhere that WHEN YOU MAKE YOUR WIFE FEEL SECURE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP SHE WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS FOR YOU.
You have tools to have a new wife. Are you ready to take on the challenge it takes for that to happen?
This week I want to share a 30-Day Sex Challenge for Married Couples. I really found this article/guide very interesting because it incorporates intimacy with a biblical perspective. Basically you have an intimate task to perform daily along with a scripture you and your spouse are to read together. Not only this, there is a question of the day, to challenge you to be more open and honest with your spouse about your personal needs. An extra bonus, there are printable day by day pages where you can make notes. I found this article on www.tucsonrevolution.com titled 30-Day SEX Challenge: Married Guide. Here are the first few pages, please visit the site for the challenge in its entirety:
30-Day Sex Challenge: Married Guide
10 EMOTIONAL NEEDS EXPLAINED
1. Affection (the expression of love in words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies; creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love).
2. Sexual Fulfillment (a sexual experience that brings out a predictably enjoyable sexual response in both of you that is frequent enough for both of you).
3. Conversation (talking about events of the day, personal feelings, and plans for the future; showing interest in your favorite topics of conversation; balancing conversation; using it to inform, investigate, and understand you; and giving you undivided attention).
4. Recreational Companionship (developing interest in your favorite recreational activities, learning to be proficient in them, and joining you in those activities).
5. Honesty and Openness (revealing positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule, plans for the future; not leaving a false impression; answering questions truthfully and completely).
6. An Attractive Spouse (keeping physically fit with diet and exercise, wearing hair and clothing in a way that you find attractive and tasteful).
7. Financial Support (the provision of financial resources to house, feed, and clothe your family at a standard of living acceptable to you, but avoiding travel and working hours that are unacceptable to you).
8. Domestic Support (creation of a home environment for you that offers a refuge from the stresses of life; management of the home and care of the children—if any are at home—including but not limited to cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, housecleaning).
9. Family Commitment (scheduling sufficient time and energy for the moral and educational development of your children; reading to them, taking them on frequent outings, developing the skill in appropriate child-training methods and discussing those methods with you; avoiding any childtraining methods or disciplinary action that does not have your enthusiastic support).
10. Admiration (respecting, valuing and appreciating you clearly and often).
Your Married Needs:
List your top 2 needs from the emotional needs questionnaire. Then give your spouse specific instructions as to how to meet those needs.
Details: Hug me in the morning and call me during the day.
Your Spouse’s Needs
Have your spouse write their top needs and details below.
These are a couple of resources we recommend for further study.
By Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Details on the next page…
You are cheating if you are having an emotional affair! What is an emotional affair? An emotional affair is any infidelity that occurs through feeling or thought. It is considered cheating if you are having any type of intimate correspondence with someone while on your cell phone, Facebook, or email. Emotional affairs are NOT harmless. Emotional cheating involves secrecy, deception, and therefore betrayal.
In emotional cheating you are violating your spouse’s trust, making it the most painful aspect of an affair which is also the most difficult to recover from. When you are waiting to share your innermost thoughts, funny jokes, and personal experiences for that other person you are crossing the line. If you find yourself comparing this person to your spouse, and you are looking forward to your next conversation you are crossing the line. If they are kept a secret from your spouse it is a big red flag and you are crossing the line. Once you are drawn into an emotional affair you can find yourself feeling that you don’t want to stop.
It has been proven that not having sex makes the connection between the two people even more powerful because it feels genuine and romantic. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you will not take it any further. Over half of emotional affairs start out innocently as online friendships. Over 70% of those friendships end up as real sexual affairs. Did you hear what I said? This is nothing to play with. If you are in an emotional affair end it before it is too late. Quitting cold turkey is the best way to move past an emotional affair. Also realize how this affair is hurting everyone involved.
Put yourself in the shoes of your spouse and see how you would feel if you were put in this position. In addition, take the responsibility of the lack of integrity and honesty within yourself that created this situation. Seek help from a therapist so that you can work through deeper issues that brought up the emotional affair. Stay honest with your spouse and share all of your hopes, achievements, attractions, temptations, and failures with them. Make sure to make a weekly date night a priority. Surround yourself with happily married friends and even have an accountability partner. If you want to save your marriage deal with your problems as soon as you can, and the earlier your cut of your emotional affair the better.
Surfing the web this week….I came up with this interesting topic, having sex with your spouse for a month. As a woman, naturally I was intrigued because I have never had sex with my spouse for 30 consecutive days in a row. Giving it further thought, I began to wonder how many married women have. As I read these articles I began to subconsciously come up with reasons why I could never complete such a task but the more I read to more I realized it’s not just about SEX!!! Every article defined this challenge as strengthening the emotional connection between couples and should not be viewed as a task. Although the challenge assignments (so to speak) changed from site to site, the end result remained the same. Over the next few weeks I will be sharing the challenges I found most interesting:
From a religious point of view my first thought in regards to sex is procreation purposes….”Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). However this is not the sole purpose. Spouse’s are to submit to one another to aid in strengthening a physical and emotional bond…”The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).
The first article was published on the CBS website back in 2008.
Pastor Issues “30- Day Sex Challenge”
The pastor of a southwest Florida church opened many eyes and ears Sunday when he said he wants married couples in the congregation to — have sex for 30 days in a row. Oh — and he wants singles to steer clear of such frolicking for the same length of time. Head pastor Paul Wirth of Relevant Church in Ybor City, outside Tampa, says his “30-Day Sex Challenge” is one way of taking on the nation’s 50-percent divorce rate. “About ten years ago,” With explained on The Early Show Wednesday, “my wife (of 18 years) and I were struggling in our marriage, and we realized that we needed something that was going to help us in our marriage, and we found this information from Dr. Willard Harley about learning each others’ emotional needs. And we began to study it and apply it to our marriage, and it revolutionized our marriage, and we know that, you know, God is the one who talks about love and authors love, and he knows that he wants us to be intimate and connected with each other on a daily basis.” Wirth told CBS News he believes most people go into marriage “without really knowing each other emotionally, without knowing their partner’s emotional needs, and this (the challenge) is a way for people to discover their greatest needs — both married and non-married couples.” He cited a recent study out that found that 20 million Americans who are married have sex fewer than 10 times a year. “People’s jobs, houses, kids and other things get in the way,” he says. “I think men really need to reevaluate their wife’s needs. We so often come home and kick off our shoes and pick up the remote and don’t offer to help with dinner, don’t offer to help with the kids — and then we just expect fireworks in the bedroom. But we need to meet (our wives’ needs) on intimate levels.” The reaction has been “overwhelmingly positive,” Wirth says. “Both married and single members are excited about it. My wife has fielded a bunch of e-mails saying that it’s opened a line of communication in some marriages that they haven’t had since they were married.” Among the couples taking part: congregants Doug and Lorena Webber. “We’re sitting in church one day, and we heard about this challenge,” Doug told Early Show co-anchor Harry Smith, “and we said, ‘That’s perfect. We can do anything for 30 days!’ And the more you dig into it, we’re, like, ‘We can certainly do this for 30 days! ‘ ” Lorena says, “We’re just trying to figure out a way to meet each others’ emotional needs, and that’s the biggest thing about this. It’s more than physical. It’s about getting to know each other again.” “It’s much more than the physical aspect,” Doug agreed, “so, it’s really helping us refocus on our marriage.”
Who’s up for the challenge?
Are you involved in a marriage where you are constantly thinking your spouse may be cheating? If you are, there are several things to look for. I ran across this article on huffingtonpost.com written by Kiri Blakeley (CafeMom’s blog, The Stir). These signs, better known as “red flags,” are normally present if a spouse is cheating. Take a look… better yet, share this with your spouse!
1. He starts dressing better. According to divorce lawyer Marilyn Stowe, this is still a sign you should look out for. Did he suddenly morph from flannel and dirty boots to smart suits and shiny loafers? I’d add in wearing cologne all of a sudden, or changing the cologne he always wears to something new. Could be a sign the mistress gave him a bottle that she likes better.
2. Guarding the cellphone. This is one I’ve heard a lot in my girlfriend circles — he suddenly starts sleeping with the cellphone by his bedside, or bringing it into the shower with him. He may turn it off when you’re together and say he doesn’t want to be disturbed while he’s with you — but he really doesn’t want to risk her texting or calling while you’re there. If he won’t even let you touch his phone, something’ up.
3. Password protecting everything. In this day and age, its prudent to password protect your phone, but it can also be a sign if he suddenly starts doing it when he never cared before. Or he refuses to give you the password.
4. He takes out new credit cards in his name. According to Stowe, this is a sign that he’s spending money on the new flame — especially if the bills go to another address or he has them delivered online only.
5. He begins making hurtful remarks about you. Picking fights all of a sudden is a classic ploy — this way if he ever gets caught, he can blame it on you and say you two were always fighting!
6. He begins to drop a female name into his conversations. I’ve heard this one before, that a guy having an affair will start bringing up a certain woman all of the time. Apparently it gives him an adrenaline rush to feel like he can talk about her and get away with it. I’d also add avoiding talking about a certain woman — say he starts working on a project with a woman but he NEVER mentions her. That’s weird if he’s spending a lot of time with her.
7. Talking about how “ugly” or “horrible” a certain woman is. This is one I’ve seen a few times — a guy tries to cover up his attraction to a certain woman by slagging her off every chance he gets.
8. He suggests separate holidays. According to Stowe, this is a clear sign he wants you out of town.
9. Doesn’t want sex. He may not reject you, but he’ll go along with your rejections where he may have previously fought them. Now it’s like, “Sure, let’s watch a movie instead. Noooo problem.”
10. Social media. I’m simply amazed at how many men forget that their wife or girlfriend is on their Facebook and yet they will flirt or even “check in” with another woman also on his Facebook. Must think women are blind!