Don’t say YES when you want to say NO

Don’t say YES when you want to say NO

If you are a person that wants to be “nice” and “not cause problems”, but you suffer in silence and believe that nothing can be done to change the situation you need to read further. Learning how to be assertive can help you overcome fear, shyness, passivity, and even anger. Asserting yourself involves advocating for yourself in a positive, honest, and respectful way. Assertiveness means that you are communicating in a clear, direct, and honest way about your needs, opinions, and feelings. Being assertive will help you improve your relationships, relieve stress, make you more confident, and less resentful.

Here are ways to start being assertive: When you start using the below techniques it’s important to start small so that you do not overwhelm yourself.

  1. The best way to start using effective assertive language is to use “I” statements to express what you are thinking and feeling. So for an example, instead of saying, “You are mean to me!” you can say, “I feel hurt when you call me stupid.”
  2. Rehearse what you want to say and be clear in what you want. Those around you are not mind readers.
  3. Practice saying no.
  4. Express yourself in a calm manner. Take deep breaths if you need to.
  5. Don’t apologize or feel ashamed or guilty for expressing a need or want.
  6. Use confident body language and tone. Best way to do this is by practicing in front of your mirror.

Assertiveness takes time but be persistent with your efforts and you will see the pay off.

Danger! Work Zone (Affair Zone)

 

flirty work

Work is the #1 breeding ground for affairs.  In the past this statement only included men but with more women in the workplace, women are just as likely to cheat with someone they work with.  The cause of this is most likely opportunity and time spent.  Most people spend more hours at work than they do quality time with their spouse.  In my work as a marriage counselor I have never (so far) met anyone who set out to have an affair.  Most of the time it starts with a cup of coffee or lunch.  Emotional affairs are an especially dangerous part of many modern marriages.  The tragedy in this that a spouse has most likely mentioned their discomfort with a friendship, but the offending partner refuses to set a boundary.  And before you know it, oops it just happened!

How can you avoid workplace affairs from starting?:

1. Keep good boundaries.  When your work friend starts discussing their relationships or dating issues, or begins to ask about yours, limit your contact immediately.  As a matter of fact send them this article and they can schedule online if they need someone “Who understands me.”  Back away from that mess and protect the sanctity of your marriage.

2. Display pictures of your spouse and family at work.  If they want to try to be a ho, at least discourage them by making them look at your happy family everyday.

3. Wear your wedding ring to work EVERYDAY.  There is no excuse for constantly forgetting your ring when you go to work.  You are fooling yourself, but you are not fooling God.  You are preparing for a possible affair, just in case, you decide to have one.

4. Call your spouse from work everyday, just to check in.  There is no reason not to talk to each other all day with the kind of technology we have available.  If your spouse has expressed some discomfort about a work friend and you really want to be accountable to your marriage, pay attention to how your friend acts when you appear to be happily talking to your spouse.

5. Have lunch weekly with your spouse if at all possible.  If you want to spend time during lunch with your friend from work, invite your spouse along.  Make that tramp look him or her in the face on a regular basis.  The constant contact will display your solidarity as a couple, and send their focus to the next married friend.  Oh you thought you were special, PLEASE, they are on to the next one.

6. If you have lunch with a c0-worker or co-workers let your spouse know.  Don’t casually mention it later and make it look like you were trying to be sneaky.  Especially don’t let them find out on social media after you and your co-workers are tagging your location and taking pics of your food.

7. Talk to your spouse, tell them about your day.  Put the same effort into communicating with them as you do with your work friend. If you are having trouble talking to your spouse talk to a happily married, same sex friend.  They may be able to give you Godly, wise counsel on making your own marriage happy.

8. Make your friend a friend of the couple.  If you can’t invite them to dinner at your house with your family, or they don’t show when you do, they have ulterior motives.  If you refuse to acknowledge that, force the issue or cut it off, so do you.

If you are defensive when asked about your relationship or refuse to end friendships your spouse asked you to, you are already crossing a line into an affair.

Your emotional/physical affair is taking place in a world of fantasy.  They only like everything about you because they don’t live with you everyday.  So you ruin your marriage that may have just needed more attention for a relationship with your work friend. Guess what? It might start off all good but eventually you leaving your clothes everywhere, your moodiness, selfishness and sexual techniques will get old.  All of that weave, extra makeup and sleeping in pretty clothes wears off.  What did you end up with? Somebody who you didn’t even really know what they looked like because you only saw them at work with all that extra crap on.

What does the word (Bible) say?:

Proverbs 5:18 Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth.

Don’t get mad at me God said it…

Maybe You Should Pray…

FFC image Maybe its time to Pray

One September morning in the year of 2002, I suffered a great tragedy in my life.  I lost my mother.  My mother was more to me than a parent, she was my best friend.  I can remember throughout my childhood how she loved and protected me. If I wanted something in life and didn’t know how to get it, I would go to her.  If she could not tell me how to go about getting it, most times she would get it for me.  I guess you’re thinking I was spoiled? I was!!! It was not a rotten spoiled. It was a loving spoiled.  Although I pretty much got what I wanted, I still recognized the boundaries and dared not to cross them.  You see my mother was an anointed and powerful woman of God! She was God’s prophet. When she spoke, you can rest assured that I listened and always tried to obey. This woman taught me many things.

Of the many things, there is one thing I will never forget. I’ll never forget the power of prayer!  My mother lived a life of prayer. She would wake up praying.  She would pray while she was going about her daily routines.  She would go to bed praying.  I never really understood why she would pray and talk to God so much.  However; now that I am older and much more mature, I completely understand why she prayed the way she did.  Prayer is direct communication with God. It is through prayer that we build our relationship with Christ, Holy Spirit, and God. In other words, we have to talk to Him daily.  There has to be a dialogue. The more you communicate with Him, the more intimate your relationship with him becomes.  My mother had built a close, intimate relationship with God.  I now understand how she was able to continue with life, even when life was seemingly winning. It was prayer that helped her through and it is prayer that can help you through.  What am I saying? I am saying that God is waiting on you to make the first move. Reach out to Him!  Talk to Him! Spend time with Him! PRAY!!!! Stop worrying so much and pray.  Philippians 4:6 tells us; to be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let you requests be made known unto God.  In other words, pray about everything and worry about nothing.  Your prayers are powerful.  Your prayers can move mountains or obstacles in your life (Matthew 17:20).

Do yourself a favor and start praying.  God wants to be included in every aspect of your life. He wants to be included in your marriage, with your children, on your job, in your health, in your relationships, etc. He just wants you.  So start today and do as my mother taught me; PRAY!!!

Types of Anger

types of anger

Marriage Makeover Tip:

As long as you avoid talking about you will not be able to deal with in a way pleasing to God.  If you are upset about something and your spouse asks you about it, and you are, say it.  I know you’re thinking if you do that the argument will never end.  But you could say something like, “Yes I’m still upset which is even more of a reason for us not to go into why right now.  I love you and I’m in our marriage for the long haul, but I need to cool down.”  I’ve seen what can happen after something like this happens in a session, so…If you are the spouse that follows and prods until you get the discussion you want, STOP!  Learn some boundaries and patience, sit down somewhere.  If you are the procrastinator spouse that never wants to get back to discussions, STOP PLAYING AROUND! Be fair and give your spouse a time frame to finish the discussion.  I recommend no more than 24 hours.

To deal with anger the right way and ending secrets and lies is to understand the REAL emotion behind anger.  The four most common types of anger are:

1. Hurt – this can come from mean words and/or actions.

2. Frustration – usually happens because your spouse isn’t meeting our needs or expectations.

3. Fear – of losing your spouse’s love.

4. Injustice – disappointed expectations of fairness or righteous anger thinking you are always right.

If you focus on your spouse’s anger as a warning of trouble and a secondary emotion, you may be able to show more empathy towards your spouse. For example when and issue comes up instead of viewing your spouse as angry, view them as hurt, frustrated, fearful or feeling unjustly treated.  Another way to change your interactions is to use four types of anger words when sharing an issue with your spouse.  For instance, “What you just said hurt my feelings and when you have your own separate money, possessions and plans for the future, I feel like you could leave our marriage at anytime.”

Guard Your Heart

guard your heart

Marriage Makeover Tip:

If you and your spouse are having issues or even separated you should guard your heart even more than usual.  You may be feeling lonely, and unloved.  Guard your heart and your marriage.

30-Day Sex Challenge Summary!!!

 

            For the past few weeks I have shared different approaches (so to speak) to the 30-Day Sex Challenge. After surfing the web, I became aware of the enormous amount of information regarding this challenge. The challenges that I shared, I found the most interesting. At first I thought my husband and I would do the four challenges I shared. However, we devised a more eclectic approach doing a week from each of the four listed challenges. We still have a few days to go but I can honestly say I absolutely can see a difference in our relationship (for the good). In the beginning, I admit that I still had that “how many days are left, even though this was my idea mentality.” As a couple we began to do little things for one another, that we have done in the past but somehow got lost along the way. We made additional time to share things that went on throughout our day. We already read and pray together, but it was nice review specific scriptures. I recommend that everyone at least try one or more of the challenges.  I’m sure you will be pleased with the intimate changes after all, happy wife, happy life!!!