8 Ways to Accept the Uniqueness of Your Spouse

8 Ways

 

Opposites attract in the beginning because people are often drawn to strengths they lack in their own temperaments.  However over time the things that may irritate you a little may begin to grate on your nerves.

Think back to the time you met your spouse and what attracted you to them.  What qualities of their personality did you admire?  Every personality type has positive and negative qualities.  The four basic temperaments are Sanguine (Jester); Choleric (General); Melancholy (Officer); Phlegmatic (Peacemaker).  There are lots of quizzes that help you figure out your personality and your spouses.  Activity – list your spouse’s positive qualities on index cards.  After making the cards use them to pray for your spouse every day and to thank God for how they are wonderfully made.

Don’t give fake or forced compliments, do it naturally as the Holy Spirit leads you.  Brag to others even when you don’t feel like it.  Your praise will make them feel loved and understood, if you appreciate them for their differences.

As Christians we have access to all four temperaments through the Holy Spirit, to help us be more balanced.  The best way to do that is to study the strengths in each one.  Learn to implement each strength in your own life.  You can be balanced you don’t have to be more than one thing.

If your spouse feels unloved it can make them behave differently.  Gary Chapman says that people behave differently when their emotional love tanks are full. Running your marriage on an empty love tank is the same as running your car with not oil changes, the engine WILL burn out.

One of the first homework assignments I give to couples I counsel is to take the Five Love Languages quiz online.  Just as a quick bit of info they are Words of Affirmation; Quality Time; Acts of Service; Physical Touch; Receiving Gifts.  But take the quiz!  Learning your spouse’s love language can spark the change needed to improve your marriage.

According to Focus on the Family men and women have different needs.  They are:

Men’s Needs: (1) respect and admiration, (2) a wife who desires him sexually and doesn’t see sex as a chore, (3) a woman who takes care of herself physically, (4) an orderly home,  (5) down time, especially in a man cave, (6) participate or at least try to in activities like playing sports and/or watching sports.

Women’s Needs: (1) a husband who is a man of character and who is loyal and lovingly protects her, (2) non sexual affection (which although it’s a little known secret, women want more sex when these six needs are met), (3) face to face conversation, (4) honesty, when lacking it can decrease intimacy, even a little “white lie” can cause issues, (5) financial security, (6) family commitment.

God doesn’t give us an out because it’s hard to do.  The verse says what the verse says.  Ephesians 5:21 – 33.

 

 

Faith, Family, Friends & Fun

FFC image Faith Family Friends and Fun

God has blessed me to have such an awesome family.  Just to think about the many blessings he has bestowed upon us is actually overwhelming sometimes.  From the time that my girls were babies up to now, I have to admit that I have enjoyed being a family man.  We are always doing something together. It doesn’t have to be “BIG” all the time. To admit, most time we are doing little things such as; riding around site-seeing (some call it; being nosey), going to the mall, getting a bite to eat, sitting outside enjoying the night air, catching a movie, or just sitting at home getting on each others nerves. Oh yes; we do that very well.  Life was designed by God in that we would first have a relationship with him (Faith) and then build a relationship with our (Family) and others (Friends).  While we are developing these relationships we make it our business to have (FUN)!  There is nothing like a family that first loves God, then is willing to go all out having fun while sharing their lives with others.  For those of you that have families; you should cherish it. For their are many individuals who go through life looking for the family oriented lifestyle and never find it. I am constantly praying for these individuals that God will somehow fulfill their emptiness.  But for you all that have families; find time to have fun together.  Stop spending all your time alone doing what you want to do as if you are single. Stop let things such as your job, people, bills, or even yourself hinder you from spending good quality time with your family.  You only live once.  Because we have no idea what turns life may take, it would be wise to start investing good quality time in your family.  That’s right; Faith, Family, Friends & Fun!!! What a wonderful combination.  Get on board and start living the life!

NOW! Not Later!

NOW! Not Later!

NOW! Not Later!

During my study time, I came across a devotional by Rick Warren that relates well with my blog from last week. The following information is from that message:  

“Whenever you possibly can, do good to those who need it. Never tell your neighbor to wait until tomorrow if you can help them now.” Proverbs 3:27-28 (GN)

The best time to love is now — not tomorrow. Not later. Not someday. Not one of these days. Not when you get around to it. Not soon. Now. I don’t understand all these people who say, “I’m going to save all my money, and when I die, I’m going to give it away to charity.” Why do that? Why not enjoy giving? Why not get the joy of giving by doing it now? Whatever you’re going to give of yourself, give it now!

Years ago, we received a check at Saddleback from a couple who knew we needed to upgrade our worship center from analog to digital and replace equipment that was more than 15 years old. The check was for half a million dollars, and it had a note with it that said, “It’d be great to have some new carpet, too.”

Those people got a whole lot more joy out of giving now rather than after they’re dead. This is why I say, “Do your givin’ while you’re livin,’ then you’re knowin’ where it’s goin.’” And, it will give you joy! The Bible says, “Whenever you possibly can, do good to those who need it. Never tell your neighbor to wait until tomorrow if you can help them now” Proverbs 3:27-28 (GN).

Never procrastinate in showing love. Don’t delay. Don’t put it off. Do it now!

Questions for you to marinate on:

What do you need to do today to show love to someone in your life?

What are the distractions or excuses that keep you from loving well now?

What is it that God is asking you to give now that you have put off?

NOW! Not Later! Have a blessed week beautiful people!

#SoulSurgeon

30 Day Sex Challenge Part IV!!!

This week I want to share a 30-Day Sex Challenge for Married Couples. I really found this article/guide very interesting because it incorporates intimacy with a biblical perspective. Basically you have an intimate task to perform daily along with a scripture you and your spouse are to read together. Not only this, there is a question of the day, to challenge you to be more open and honest with your spouse about your personal needs. An extra bonus, there are printable day by day pages where you can make notes. I found this article on www.tucsonrevolution.com titled 30-Day SEX Challenge: Married Guide. Here are the first few pages, please visit the site for the challenge in its entirety:

30-Day Sex Challenge: Married Guide

10 EMOTIONAL NEEDS EXPLAINED

1. Affection (the expression of love in words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies; creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love).

2. Sexual Fulfillment (a sexual experience that brings out a predictably enjoyable sexual response in both of you that is frequent enough for both of you).

3. Conversation (talking about events of the day, personal feelings, and plans for the future; showing interest in your favorite topics of conversation; balancing conversation; using it to inform, investigate, and understand you; and giving you undivided attention).

4. Recreational Companionship (developing interest in your favorite recreational activities, learning to be proficient in them, and joining you in those activities).

5. Honesty and Openness (revealing positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule, plans for the future; not leaving a false impression; answering questions truthfully and completely).

6. An Attractive Spouse (keeping physically fit with diet and exercise, wearing hair and clothing in a way that you find attractive and tasteful).

7. Financial Support (the provision of financial resources to house, feed, and clothe your family at a standard of living acceptable to you, but avoiding travel and working hours that are unacceptable to you).

8. Domestic Support (creation of a home environment for you that offers a refuge from the stresses of life; management of the home and care of the children—if any are at home—including but not limited to cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, housecleaning).

9. Family Commitment (scheduling sufficient time and energy for the moral and educational development of your children; reading to them, taking them on frequent outings, developing the skill in appropriate child-training methods and discussing those methods with you; avoiding any childtraining methods or disciplinary action that does not have your enthusiastic support).

10. Admiration (respecting, valuing and appreciating you clearly and often).

Your Married Needs:

List your top 2 needs from the emotional needs questionnaire. Then give your spouse specific instructions as to how to meet those needs.

 

Your Needs

Ex.) Affection

 

Details: Hug me in the morning and call me during the day.

 

1) ____________________

 

Details:________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

2) ____________________

 

Details:________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Your Spouse’s Needs

 

Have your spouse write their top needs and details below.

 

1) ___________________

 

Details:________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

2) _______________________________________________________

 

Details:________________________________________________________________________________________________________

RECOMMENDED READING

These are a couple of resources we recommend for further study.

• His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

By Willard F. Harley, Jr.

• www.marriagebuilders.com

Details on the next page…

When the word “JUST” appears before the word “FRIENDS”

When the word “JUST” appears before the word “FRIENDS”

I want to go a little deeper with my last week’s topic and explain the aftermath of an emotional affair. The biggest misconception about an affair is that it is all about sex. This is almost NEVER true. Affairs are about feeling loved and validated. They are more about feeling accepted than they are about sex. Emotional affairs do lead to sex though. To be honest with you, emotional affairs are the most deceitful of all affairs, and let me show you why. An emotional affair sneaks in slowly over time. In this time it grows in intensity. It is easy to deny an emotional affair because you convince yourself that this is JUST a friendship, but as this friendship grows, you will find yourself drifting from your marriage. All of your affection starts to move over to this individual and you start to become numb to your spouse.

Emotional affairs can be very hard to stop because they are based on very real and deep emotions. In an emotional affair you convince yourself that you are truly in love with that person. The rush you feel in the affair will dissipate, and you are going to be greatly disappointed. It has been proven over and over through research that the grass is never greener on the other side. Don’t set yourself up for failure. The closeness you find yourself feeling in an emotional affair is FAKE! I read somewhere that affairs rock your world and your life is never the same again.

The worst part about emotional affairs is that it usually ruins the life of your spouse who did nothing wrong. Are you really ready to face the consequences an emotional affair has? Have you really taken a look at the devastating consequences your actions are going to cause your spouse and family? Are you ready to see your spouse in unbearable emotional pain because of your selfishness? There is absolutely nothing innocent about an emotional affair.

The person who was cheated on suffers on so many levels. Their self esteem is damaged by putting them on the spot to question themselves and why they were not enough. The loss of trust is very hard to earn back, and now they have this baggage of infidelity that is stuck to them in doubting others in their life. Their sense of security has been completely shattered. Protect your marriage by putting forth thought and consideration of the effects it can have on your spouse and even the other person.

Here is the cycle of an emotional affair that develops into a sexual one:

Part 1: A close emotional bond is developed through talking on the internet or even with a coworker or neighbor

Part 2: You keep your emotional attraction a secret from your spouse

Part 3: You decide to have lunch or meet this person

Part 4: Well. You know what happens here

You must not let your heart go there! Whatever reason you can find or justify to have friends of the opposite sex make sure that you work hard towards never deserting your spouse or opening your heart to someone else.  Communicate what it is you are missing in your marriage. Communicate to your spouse what it is that is causing you to go other places. Instead of taking the easy road and inviting someone else into your marriage communicate your needs and wants to your spouse. Guard your marriage with all you have.

Scriptures:

James 1:14-14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

Hebrews 13:4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Song of Solomon 1:2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth- for your love is more delightful than wine (relationship between husband and wife)

Song of Solomon 2:16 My lover is mine, and I am his (relationship between husband and wife)

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.

Ephesians 5:22-33 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body.

As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NLT)

 

 

It’s Hard Out Here For A Single!

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Some say Christian dating is difficult and yes it can be but God never said it would be easy but he said it would be worth it if we have faith and wait on the Lord. You see the bible says in Isaiah 40:31 “But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”  So this scripture tells me as a Christian that if I wait on The Lord and let him guide me I will have strength to endure through any difficulty in my life. Sometimes we as Christian trust God with our families, finances and career but when it comes to our personal relationships the word of a God fails on deaf ears.  We forget that God is able to handle all aspects of our lives, so we have surrender to Christ even in our dating lives. I’ve been to a few singles conferences and their was one singles group that I joined some years back through Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship Church under the leadership of Pastor Tony Evans.  This is where I learned biblical principles for a dating relationship. This article that I’m referencing is from a Christian website called Christian Answers (christian answers.com).  These biblical principles coincide with what I’ve learned and strive to abide by.

God wants the best for us in every area of our lives. This includes relationships with boyfriends or girlfriends. We should date for fun, friendship, personality development and selection of a mate, not to be popular or for security. Don’t allow peer pressure to force you into dating situations that are not appropriate. Realize that over 50% of girls and over 40% of guys never date in high school. The Bible gives us some very clear principles to guide us in making decisions about dating.

Guard your heart.
The Bible tells us to be very careful about giving our affections, because our heart influences everything else in our life.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23).
You are known by the company you keep.
We also tend to become like the company we keep. This principle is closely related to the first one and is just as important in friendships as in dating.

Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character (1 Corinthians 15:33).
Christians should only date other Christians.
Although it is fine for Christians to have non-Christian friends, those who are especially close to our heart should be mature believers who are seeking to follow Christ with their lives.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14).
Is it really love?
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 defines real love. Ask yourself these questions:

Are you patient with each other?
Are you kind to each other?
Are you never envious of each other?
Do you never boast to or about each other?
Is your relationship characterized by humility?
Are you never rude to each other?
Are you not self-seeking?
Are you not easily angered with each other?
Do you keep no record of wrongs?
Are you truthful with each other?
Do you protect each other?
Do you trust each other?

Many students ask the question, “How far should I go on a date?” Here are some principles that will help you decide what is appropriate behavior on a date.

–  Does the situation I put myself in invite sexual immorality or help me avoid it?
1 Corinthians 6:18 says to “flee from sexual immorality.” We cannot do this if we are tempting ourselves through carelessness.
–  What kind of reputation does my potential date have?
When you accept a date you are essentially saying, “My values are the same as your values.” That in itself can put you in a position you may regret later. Remember 1 Corinthians 15:33, “Bad company corrupts good character.”
–  Will there be any pressure to use alcohol or drugs?
Don’t give up your values for a date.
–  Am I attracting the wrong type of person?
Make sure that the message you send with your actions doesn’t attract people who will lead you to compromise your values.
–  Am I aware that sin is first committed in the heart?
Matthew 5:28 says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
–  Are you going to the right kind of place for a date?
Many good intentions have been forgotten because the temptation and opportunity were too great.
–  Am I doing anything to encourage sexual desire?
Don’t engage in any impure contact that is sexually motivated, such as petting.