Types of Anger

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types of anger

Marriage Makeover Tip:

As long as you avoid talking about you will not be able to deal with in a way pleasing to God.  If you are upset about something and your spouse asks you about it, and you are, say it.  I know you’re thinking if you do that the argument will never end.  But you could say something like, “Yes I’m still upset which is even more of a reason for us not to go into why right now.  I love you and I’m in our marriage for the long haul, but I need to cool down.”  I’ve seen what can happen after something like this happens in a session, so…If you are the spouse that follows and prods until you get the discussion you want, STOP!  Learn some boundaries and patience, sit down somewhere.  If you are the procrastinator spouse that never wants to get back to discussions, STOP PLAYING AROUND! Be fair and give your spouse a time frame to finish the discussion.  I recommend no more than 24 hours.

To deal with anger the right way and ending secrets and lies is to understand the REAL emotion behind anger.  The four most common types of anger are:

1. Hurt – this can come from mean words and/or actions.

2. Frustration – usually happens because your spouse isn’t meeting our needs or expectations.

3. Fear – of losing your spouse’s love.

4. Injustice – disappointed expectations of fairness or righteous anger thinking you are always right.

If you focus on your spouse’s anger as a warning of trouble and a secondary emotion, you may be able to show more empathy towards your spouse. For example when and issue comes up instead of viewing your spouse as angry, view them as hurt, frustrated, fearful or feeling unjustly treated.  Another way to change your interactions is to use four types of anger words when sharing an issue with your spouse.  For instance, “What you just said hurt my feelings and when you have your own separate money, possessions and plans for the future, I feel like you could leave our marriage at anytime.”

Encourage Yourself

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Encourage Yourself

Encourage Yourself

This week I was reminded of the powerful song, “Encourage Yourself” by Donald Lawrence. This is the first verse:

Sometimes you have to encourage yourself.

Sometimes you have to speak victory during the test.

And no matter how you feel, speak the word and you will be healed;

speak over yourself,

encourage yourself in the Lord.

BUT how do you encourage yourself when you’re completely hopeless?

1. Be honest with GOD

Over this past 2 years of my life I have gotten really honest with God. I tell him what I like and don’t like. All my frustrations as well as my gratitude. When I am discouraged, he knows about it. When I am super excited, he knows about it. He knows the good, the bad, and the ugly!

2. Be negative but don’t stay there

I used to be a serial optimist… at least on the outside. I never wanted anyone to see my imperfections. I was inauthentic. I have learned to embrace the bad, the ugly, the negative. And I have learned that I can express my negative emotions…. Fear, frustration, anger, disgust because that is a part of my human experience. Everything doesn’t have to be good all the time because its not. I no longer cover up my frustrations by saying “it’s going to get better.” I sit with my frustration for a little bit. I cry, I yell then when I am ready, I say “This sucks! But God I know you will make this better!”

Now I can’t tell you when the appropriate time would be to stop dwelling on a negative emotion or experience but I can tell you in my experience… a full day is a day too long!

3. Trust in GOD

Probably one of the hardest things that I am experiencing now is unemployment. When I tell you, I have bills on top of bills on top of bills. Crazy thing, well the blessed thing is that ALL my important bills are still being paid. It’s by the grace of God that he has allowed so many wonderful people in my life that have helped me out. Special shout-out to my mom!! Love you mom!

4. Find some words and scriptures of encouragement

It’s good to be reminded of encouragement scriptures. The following are just a few scriptures work wonders for me:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isa 41:10

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.” Psalm 55:22

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deut 31:6

Share your favorite encouragement scriptures below. BE ENCOURAGED!!

#SoulSurgeon

Guard Your Heart

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guard your heart

Marriage Makeover Tip:

If you and your spouse are having issues or even separated you should guard your heart even more than usual.  You may be feeling lonely, and unloved.  Guard your heart and your marriage.

30-Day Sex Challenge Summary!!!

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            For the past few weeks I have shared different approaches (so to speak) to the 30-Day Sex Challenge. After surfing the web, I became aware of the enormous amount of information regarding this challenge. The challenges that I shared, I found the most interesting. At first I thought my husband and I would do the four challenges I shared. However, we devised a more eclectic approach doing a week from each of the four listed challenges. We still have a few days to go but I can honestly say I absolutely can see a difference in our relationship (for the good). In the beginning, I admit that I still had that “how many days are left, even though this was my idea mentality.” As a couple we began to do little things for one another, that we have done in the past but somehow got lost along the way. We made additional time to share things that went on throughout our day. We already read and pray together, but it was nice review specific scriptures. I recommend that everyone at least try one or more of the challenges.  I’m sure you will be pleased with the intimate changes after all, happy wife, happy life!!!

 

Have a NEW WIFE by Friday!

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Have a new wife by Friday

Does your wife nag? Is she controlling? Can she be a drama queen? Is she constantly complaining? Does she forget to complement you, and is she always looking for excuses not to have sex? Husbands here are tools for you to have a new better improved wife: Are you ready to take on the challenge it takes for that to happen?

Your wife’s greatest need is security. She needs to know that she is safe and provided for. It is very important for her to know that you will sacrifice a hobby, an interest, or even friends to make sure her needs are met. By being secure she will let go of being overly controlling.

You have to show empathy. Your wife nags because you are not sensitive to her needs. If you are not sensitive to her needs she will not feel romantic, and that is when you get the excuses. A woman wants her feelings to be understood and validated. You can do this by listening to her without offering solutions or unsolicited advice. Attempt to understand her point of view. Do not go into the fix-it mode. Show her affection so she can feel loved and needed. Turning your wife on starts way before the lights go off.

In addition to empathy please show your wife non-sexual affection. Communicate to your wife that she is more then a sex object for you by holding her from time to time. She needs this. No excuse about how you are just not affectionate and she needs to love you the way you are. You need to change if you want to see a changed wife.

Reckless spending has no place in marriage. I think it is important to discuss all important financial purchases with your spouse. There has to be shared leadership.

Let your wife know that you appreciate her, her work and her mothering. This will make her feel secure. Praise her in public, be her biggest fan. Never criticize her in front of others.

Being faithful to her will build protective walls in your relationship. Do not spend your physical and emotional energy on other women (especially women you consider “just friends”), but guard your marriage by not allowing other people to enter in to your relationship. This will let your wife know that she can be completely vulnerable to you with her heart.

Be a man that comes through on his word. Do the things you tell her you will do, and also show up when you tell her you will show up. Be dependable.

When a husband makes his wife feel secure by offering affection and communication he meets some of her biggest needs. This goes a long way toward loving your wife the way Jesus loves the Church. Ephesians 5:25 says that husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. This takes work, but God’s standard is for husbands to give your life to your wife. When you love your wife more than you love yourself God will bless you. When you love her more then yourself, and you sacrifice and strive to meet her needs you will see a huge improvement in your wife. I read somewhere that WHEN YOU MAKE YOUR WIFE FEEL SECURE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP SHE WILL MOVE MOUNTAINS FOR YOU.

You have tools to have a new wife. Are you ready to take on the challenge it takes for that to happen?