Stop Saying and Asking Your Single Friends….

Stop Saying or Asking Your Single Friends...

 

I have compiled a SHORT list of questions and statements that you should stop saying and asking your single friends.  I know you mean well, and you are only trying to be supportive but sometimes your words and questions make being single seem like a disease.

Why Are You Still Single?

Ok, so you really mean (I hope!) “you’re such a great person!  I can’t think of a reason why you are still single,” but trust me it’s not a compliment.  They don’t know why they are still single (unless of course it’s a personal choice), just like you probably can’t really pinpoint why you are in a relationship.  It almost implies that there is something wrong with them because they aren’t in a relationship.  Imagine if they are already struggling and wondering themselves why they are still single, awkward…

How’s your love life?  Are you seeing anyone?

You’ve already asked about school, work, kids, friends, and family and the inevitable topic of love life comes up.  Maybe they have a love life, maybe they don’t.  I imagine that if there was somebody special worth mentioning, they probably would have already shared — Now they have the opportunity to respond and be reminded of “what love life?”

You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

Because everyone who is in a relationship loves themselves?  We can all agree this statement is very, very true but just because I am single doesn’t mean I don’t love myself.

When you are married, you’ll wish you were single.

This may very well be true.  We realize  you are only trying to remind us of the joys of singlehood, but don’t try to make it seem like there aren’t any joys of companionship.  Last I checked, wanting to get married makes us human.  After all, God gave us a desire to connect with others.

I dated _____ and it didn’t work out but I could introduce you.

If you two didn’t click, then great.  But if he/she is really not worth dating, please don’t set me up with a sympathy date.  I may be single but this is not synonymous with desperate.

Are you worried you won’t be able to have kids?

Does being in a relationship mean you won’t have to worry about being able to have kids?  If a woman is suffering from infertility, she really doesn’t want to be asked “when are you going to start having kids?” or “why aren’t you having kids?”  Just rude and insensitive.  Enough said.

Being in a relationship or married, doesn’t give you the right to be insensitive.  These statements can trigger loneliness, shame, blame and guilt.  Be available and attentive when they are open to talking about the joys and pains of being single.  Be mindful of your words and questions, and always encourage and pray for your single brother and sisters. End of rant….

Laws of Attraction

Some singles are in a committed relationship and others are hoping that Cupid will strike his arrow and they will attract the right person into their life.  Instead of dating blindly, here are some laws of attraction to study while waiting for Cupid to hit his mark.

PHYSICAL ATTRACTION

Obviously, we are initially, romantically attracted to the physical, the first thing that draws our attention.  Let’s be clear.  This is important.  Physical attraction includes anything from good hygiene and fitness to a great smile.

MENTAL ATTRACTION

Once we are drawn physically, intellectual compatibility is important in igniting a friendship and sustaining a relationship.  Fulfilling conversations and mutual interests add to the initial physical attraction.

SPIRITUAL ATTRACTION

You’ve now established that you both are physically and mentally attracted to one another.  Spiritual attraction is one step deeper.  Do we share a similar commitment to serving others, God, and spiritual growth?  Do their words match their actions?  Are our moral codes on the same level?

ECONOMICAL ATTRACTION

Financial stressors can be challenging.  You’re a saver, your mate is a spender.  You want to help your family in a crisis, but your mate disagrees.  Your mate wants to wait on the sale date, you want to buy now.  Do you and your mate share similar ideals of financial security and responsibility?

 

What other laws of attraction can you think of?

First Love

firstlove

firstlove

Last year around this time I attended a seminar, “The Forgotten First Love,” by Heather Lindsey.  She spoke about how we often forget that when we accept God as our Lord and Savior, we said a spiritual “I do!”  She reminded us that our first love (whether we are married or not) is to Jesus Christ.  We often forget our first love because we thirst for an earthly love.  And, of course, nothing is wrong with that because God is love, and He created love and our desire to have love and companionship.  She reminded the single ladies that the waiting time is preparation for becoming ready for our earthly soul mate.  In this waiting season, if we are not able to fully commit to God, then we will do the same with our earthly soul mate.  We will only give our earthly soul mate part of our day, heart, and time because we haven’t learned to surrender to our first love, God.

Remember, Someone is very much in love with you.  Take heart that He has not forgotten about you even if you forget about Him!!

 

Dreams Left Behind

Forgive Yourself

Part 3 in the series on understanding procrastination.  Part of the process of ending procrastination is gaining understanding in the reasons why we put things off.  Fear of failure and fear of rejection (closed doors) can be powerful players in the realm of putting things off.  Knowing and accepting that failure and imperfection is part of life and part of the process of reaching our goals is key to persevering.

Being Single is not that Bad


Being Single is not that Bad

There are many things to love and enjoy about being single. Being single is not a bad thing. However, as with anything, being single is not always fun or easy.

There are cultural and societal pressures/judgments/beliefs associated with being single that often weigh heavily on single people. In our culture there is a very real pressure, whether spoken or not, to be married; an expectation that at a certain point in life, people should want to be married. However, it is not always the external pressure or presumptions that are the hardest for single people to bear or the most dangerous. Often, the toughest challenges and most significant pressures of being single come from within.

Many of us internalize the external pressures and expectations around us — we adopt or over-identify with the issues of other people and society. We aim to please or meet the expectations of others rather than focus on our own expectations and desires. If enough people ask, “What is wrong with you?” because you aren’t married, eventually, some folks will internally conclude that something is wrong with them because they are not married. Who knows how many family, religious or geographical cultural beliefs are tattooed on our lives to our own detriment.

One of the dangers of internalizing the beliefs and pressures of others is when those feelings start to drive life decisions. I think this happens most often when the internalized pressure to marry mixes with the occasional loneliness and/or fear that comes along with being single.

Believe it or not, your single years will be some of the most beautiful and wonderful times of your life! Being single is an important part of the journey of life, and an especially important part of the journey toward marriage.

You’re a Witch (clean version) – Chapter 1 of “Why You’re Not Married Yet”

I recently read this book called  “Why You’re Not Married Yet – The Straight Talk You Need to Get the Relationship You Deserve” by Tracy McMillan.  I’m all about sharing information and improving marriage.  So if I can help some folks before they married, I can maybe help some future marriages down the road.  (The views in this book are not necessarily my views or those of Family First Counseling.) Read the previous post to learn more about the book and for a link to Amazon’s review.

You’re a Witch (Or, How Anger and Fear are Keeping You Single)

  1. Do people walk on eggshells around you–and you kind of like it?
  2. Does the idea that you should be nice to a man make you angry?
  3. Have past boyfriends felt that you were defensive or hard to get close to?

Bottom line of this chapter: Most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them.  That includes having sex enthusiastically with them, laughing and occasionally cooking a meal, folding the laundry or something else just because you love him.  If being asked makes you mad, then the answer is probably not.  It boils down to just having a funky attitude often with no reason.  Be conscious of how you express your anger.

Author’s Summary: Take a cold hard look at what no one has been willing to say straight to your face:

  • You’re a witch – You’re not nice, and men don’t want to marry you because of it.
  • Being a witch is really about anger and defensiveness  – The anger looks justified, which is why it seems so righteous.
  • Be nice.
  • Learn to forgive – being nice won’t happen until you forgive.
  • Get a new story – Be creative, live ya life.

Next Post: Chapter 2 – You’re Shallow